"Get the fuck out... (!)"

Yup, that's how my visit to my dear friend at MDR ended yesterday. I mean, that wasn't the first time that happened... I'm sorta used to it now. The other time we got into a fight, I was the one who voluntarily stormed out. Now, I have never done that before, so that means it takes alot for me to just storm out like that. But yesterday was a bit different. So lets rewind from the beginning.

Yesterday started out as usual, but the weather was killing me. I think it's the fires up on the hills that are adding an extra 10 degrees to the temperature! So the whole day yesterday was 110 degrees. I do NOT do well with heat, so I was already a bit moody and just tired at work. Not only that, but my last hour at work, I was asked to do errands. So I was drivin around in that heat in traffic... and it was drivin me a bit nuts. But before that even happened, my MDR friend (lets just call him "C" since his name starts with a C) IMs me and tells me that he'd like me to come over and we can have lunch and all that. Problem was, I had my therapy right after work. So the whole time I was running errands for work,  I was trying to figure out how I can ditch therapy. When I got it all figured out, I call him and tell him that I'll be coming right after work and he replied with "perfect!" And little did I know... that it really wasn't going to be "perfect."

So I was all excited driving up there and dealing with NO traffic helped brighten up my day. Got to his place, he greeted me with his sweaty self ( he had just walked around the beach under the heat... yeah, how sexy) and got in his apartment. A little after that, we went to LA to this "Dim sum" place and "OMG" it was absolutely delicious. We got a whole bunch of food, I stole his fortune cookie (for some reason I believe in those), and he got some pork dim sum to go (he told me he freezes them and that next time I come over he'll have em for me). So we leave the restaurant and he gave me a little tour around the neighborhood. As we were doin that, I was text messaging *someone* and he got a little irritated. "Do you really have to be text messaging all the time? Don't you think that's a bit rude?" I apologize and told him I'll stop... so from then on, I knew something wrong was going to happen...

We get back to his place and I go to the bathroom. Once I get out of the bathroom, he has his camera pointed at me. Now, I hate people taking pictures of me... I just don't feel comfortable with that... and honestly I'm a bit self-conscious. So I run away from him and just put my head down on the sofa. He caught me and he was still tryin to get a picture of me... but I was still hiding myself... playfully. But he all of a sudden got serious and started callin me a "selfish, immature, bitch." So, I was WOWED. He started tellin me how he's the only one giving and giving and I'm the one not doing anything for him. I just could not believe how this whole thing started out with me refusing to get my picture taken. I was so overwhelmed at how fast his mood changed(s). Then he told me I either "get the fuck out" or have my picture taken. As I was grabbing my purse, he holds me back and told me "don't leave."

But to cut the story short, I left. And I left during rush hour, which I ended up driving on the freeway for an hour and a half. My mind was all over the place. I don't know whether to feel bad, or be in a "whatever" mood. I felt like it was a waste of my time to have driven there... even though he gave me $40 for gas. So technically... I didn't really waste anything... but maybe time. I guess what bothered me the most is him getting angry like that all of a sudden and when he gets mad, he says very harsh things to me... and ofcourse that hurts! But in the end, I end up thinking if those things he tells me are in fact true. Am I really a "selfish, immature, bitch"?

They're just a TEMPORARY FIX.

"Follow through from Start to Finish"

So my dear friend from MDR showed me that quote online last night. He does piss me off at times, yet everything he says is true. So after a minute or two of being pissed at him, I try to calm down and understand what he's saying... 'cuz again, he's usually (actually mayb all the time) right. As for me, I don't like being wrong and I'm the type to do anything to prove you wrong. But since he's older than me, I respect what he says, because he's had alot more life experience than I have. After all, I've only been on earth for 20 years, 1 month, and 26 days.

For the past 6 months or so, I have been swept away with a yearning for change. When I turned 20 this year, that's when it hit its toll. I want something... but I don't know what. I'm tired of my old lifestyle of partying every weekend. It just gets old and it became part of my weekly routine. I noticed that it was just a temporary fix to drink and party with friends, cuz the next morning, I'm left hungover and back to square one. I guess this time, I want something that's not temporary, but something that would keep me happy for more than a day. Now, don't get me wrong, drinking is fun... but only for a couple of hours. I want something that can satisfy my being in this world... I just want to be HAPPY.

Drinking isn't the only thing that's a temporary fix, but sex is too. Sex is sexy and feels great! I don't think anyone can deny that (except maybe those that have psychological or reproductive problems). My MDR friend also told me last night that more sex leaves you wanting more...it's a temporary fix... and as humans, it's a way to feel intimacy with one another. If you're single and miss that close, physical intimacy with someone... you can always find someone to have sex with. But then again, that's not going to last, unless you're having a sex marathon. You don't have to be in love with a person to have sex with them... and that goes for young and older people alike. Yeah, it sounds harsh, but we can't deny that either, unless were some hardcore christian or that we're actually in love with the person.

Lately, I have been dropping my bad deeds and even slowly ween off from my friends. My friends are good people, but I feel like they are not on the same page as me. I just want something more than what vodka and sex can bring me. So at the same time, I admit that I have been feeling lonely. Ah! It's not fun to feel that way, especially when I haven't felt this way before. But I feel like I can work on this on my own, especially since it's me that's looking for something that my friends can't give me. 

I am an only child, and I admit, I grew up a bit spoiled (but I always denied that since I've always worked). So ever since I've been feeling the need for change, I took my first steps to feeling a sense of independency.

1. Weekly Therapy
   
2. Cooking
3. Grocery shopping by myself
   
4. Cleaning the house
5. A run around the lake by myself
6. No more "F.U.Fs" (Fucked-up Fridays-- what my friends and I made up, 'cuz we used to get hammered at my place)
   
7.  Reading more self-help books (I used to only read chick-lit)
   
8. ...No BFs/relationships

So I am proud of myself for taking these actions. They may not seem big, but to me they pretty much are. It's a total 180 from how I used to live my life... and I want to do more to live a better life. I used to tell my friend that I want to do this, that... yet I never take action on it... so to prove to him, I started doing those things within 2 weeks?

               Please share your thoughts and ideas on what else I can do :)

Oh, Please don't let it be a TYPICAL monday!

Oh Monday, here we go. Woke up perfectly fine this morning, in fact, feelin' good about myself and anxious of how this Monday is going to turn out. Just like anybody else out there, I dread Mondays. It's the beginning of a work week and I also feel like its the beginning of a monotonous routine-- which is absolutely boring. So it surprised me to feel good when I woke up this morning... I wonder why?

I came to work 15 minutes early and gave my coworker the baby shower gift I had bought during the weekend. I'm not rich, but I feel good to have given a total of 5 things. I'm a spender, what can I say? Baby shopping was fun. Everything seemed to be so freakin' cute and adorable! At the same time, I was thinking that I would be baby shopping in maybe ten years... for my OWN baby. Will it be cute then? Oh hell yeah it would be :)

YESSS! My coworker just told me there is a Taco Bell by our work. Trust me, it's exciting when you've been looking for a taco bell for the past 2 years by your work, and you just find out NOW that there is one a couple of blocks away. So accomplishment #1 for Monday: Discovered a Taco Bell a couple of blocks away from work.

So my weekend was actually nice. Spent saturday with mother and saw Julie & Julia. To be honest, that movie inspired me to start this blog. Not only that, but I have been attempting to cook lately and that movie motivated me even more. So today, what is on the menu? Well, it has to be something that I can make with salmon. I don't wanna just grill it! I wanna make it extravagant!

Yesterday, I spent it with a dear friend at Marina del Rey. I honestly don't know what to call him. He's not a boyfriend or JUST a friend...because we do things that couples do. NO NO NO, don't think (just) the dirty deeds! He's cooked for me, paid for my minor accident (I broke my side view mirror getting out of his tiny parking space) that was $360, put an ice pack on my knee when he saw there was a bump on it (night before, I had fell on the stairs at this lounge/bar at a coworker's bday party...it was dark!), and... makes me feel cared for ALL THE TIME. Yet, we don't consider our relationship as bf/gf... because it just can't be... What's the hold back? Maybe I will state later.

As of now, I am going to figure out how this whole blogging works. Before that, time to deal with a bad habit: marlboro lights

I wonder if this first post sounds like a "premature mid-life crisis." It probably doesn't... YET... we'll see as more blogs are posted.